Skip to the Loo my Barney

“I want you to paint a black heart on my hand Barney.”

I didn’t feel the need to correct her and tell her that I’m not this “Barney” everyone keeps calling me; I’m a Purple Dino Type.

“And I want you to paint it right here.” The future little goth girl with light brown hair, who must have been around five or six-years-old, pointed to a spot on her forearm. I didn’t have the black heart to explain to her the difference between her hand and forearm. Besides, that’s not my job. Damn slacker parents.

“Ok, one black heart, right here coming up. So how old are you?”

“I’m five and a half, Nikki my friend, is only five we’re in the same class at school I’m five and a half that means that I’m older than her she’s only five.” She told me very rapidly, as if I had no idea that five and a half is more than five.

This was the last kid that wanted “face” painting (even thought she wanted it on her forearm and not on her face) and I had to piss so bad that I could taste it.

“There you go, have fun.” Now run along so Purple Dino Type can relieve himself.

“Thanks Barney!” And with that, she ran away to show her parents the lovely black heart Barney painted on her forearm. They must be so proud.
I made my way to the kitchen and was greeted by the birthday boy, Matt who was turning five, and his mother, age unknown.

“Hey Barney, just in time. We’re getting ready to cut the C. A. K. E.”

“Barney would really like to use the little dinosaurs room before we cut the C. A. K. E.”

“Sure thing Barney. It’s this way.”

I followed her and Matt followed me.

“It’s right here Barney.”

“Thank you.” I opened the door and started to walk into the bathroom.

I heard Matt’s mom say, “Matt, you can’t go in there sweetie, Barney has to go potty and we know that potty time is private time, right?”

“Uh huh.” Pause. “Barney?” Matt pulled on the left leg of my Barney costume to get my attention.

“Yes Mat?” I said patiently while my teeth were going for a swim.

“Do you have a penis or a vagina?”

“MATTHEW!”

The look on his mom’s face was priceless. Her jaw actually dropped open. She was speechless.

Good thing Barney is really good with im-prov (those acting classes are starting to pay off and big time).

“I’m a boy Matt.”

“That means that you have a penis. Just like me.”

“Yup. See you in a minute.”

Matt’s mom put her hand on his shoulder to guide him away from the bathroom. Before they walked away she looked at me and mouthed “Thank- you.”

No, no, no…Thank you. Thank you for letting me disrespect your shitter.

I AM a Purple Dino Type.

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4 Responses to Skip to the Loo my Barney

  1. Beret says:

    Okay purple black hearted dinosaur, where do you keep it? Surely that was the next question that birthday boy Matt wasn’t allowed to ask. So I ask. “wheredya keep it?”

  2. Mark Reed says:

    Love the Blog Jason!

    Keep this up. Your bud, Mark

  3. Goldie says:

    Interesting stuff… I like it!
    Little Matt sure learned something new about Barney that day.

  4. Donna says:

    Jason, Hilarious!! I loved Ghetto father story. I read it to my mom and she was crackiing up too! I am haunted by the family ice sculpture. Can’t wait to hear more. What will you do for your kids 1st birthday??

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